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What is the Circle of sources?

At the psychologist. Make a diagnosis.
Why do some people find it so difficult to get a grip on their lives?
Why did I actually become an entrepreneur?
Why can’t I get a grip on the business during this difficult period?
Why did my entrepreneurship go wrong?
Why can it sometimes be so difficult to take charge of myself, the company, my family, my marriage, and my children?
What causes are there?

“This is not about me. This is not what I need. ”

I went to a psychologist with a client dozens of times. Afterwards we sat in the car on the way home or at a menu at a well-known fast food chain. In most cases it was indicated that they felt that the psychologist was not talking about them. That it was not what they needed. With all due respect for the often nice female psychologists, who sometimes just graduated or had years of experience. It was simply the person who did not know where it was ‘locked’.

“Why” is the tip of the iceberg “

All ‘why’ questions are usually difficult questions. If a child has been doing something and you ask “why did you do that?” do you expect a well-argued answer? “Why do you use drugs?” “Why is it going well?” “Why aren’t you happy?” Stereotype man of the many I have spoken to; well-stocked bank account, nice woman, nice family, nice car and on vacation two or three times a year. Every week use more than 250.00 cocaine. An occasional visit to the casino. “Why do you do that?” He didn’t know. Just like all the other boys and men who get stuck despite the growing prosperity. Boy, young I had a question I didn’t know an answer to and I have to work with it every day. Three years ago I took stock again. “After 26 years in business and 16 years in relief work, I have discovered something valuable that may offer an opening.

“Golden circle is worth gold”

Simon Sinek’s Golden Circle is a godsend. The power of simplicity. It helps to ask the ‘why’ questions we forgot to ask or rather avoid. Once it has to get to this point by a coach or therapist, it will be very difficult. Usually it is then five minutes to twelve. That is not surprising. After all, we think there is a solution for everything. I want it and I want it now. It is becoming easier for us and, if we have had a bad childhood, it is easier to shut down than to work on it. The way people can ask about it often contains a judgmental label, which then sticks for an annoyingly long time. Well, they can’t help it either. After all, everyone has their leak and lack. Especially in the field of emotional ‘injuries’. The abrasion of the child that has fallen does not give the pain, but the fear of having to process it alone gives the greatest sorrow. That patch has a placebo effect against the comforting words of father or mother. For emotional damage in the adult world, there are also enough ‘patches’ to numb the pain. These are serious and persistent matters that are covered with a plaster. The comforting and understanding words are often hard to find. The ‘label’ has already been pasted. Old and new problems are consumed by the many ‘fast food’ products. The ‘why’ questions why people do something turn out to be too limited. It is a good start but that long and heavy distance from head to heart turns out to be a ‘heart-necked’ trajectory. The ‘why’ questions now appear to be frequently used to achieve success, so that you don’t have to say what needs to be said. So I wonder if we don’t take a shortcut too soon.

“If we want to go further, we must go back and rediscover those precious values, that all reality is based on moral foundations and that all reality needs spiritual guidance.” Martin Luther King

I have discovered that it is about raising awareness of dietary sources under the ‘why’ questions. Resources that help you take charge of your life. I hear the somewhat older entrepreneurs say that the company is being put in charge of them. During a meeting someone rightly remarked that he was constantly busy with control and technical language. As a result, he and the company did not receive sufficient nutrition from other sources. I see the same in people in the care sector. They are vulnerable, have experienced something or are under great pressure to perform. You are then most of the time busy with flight behavior. It was a bit confronting for me when I had to point out to someone that we had talked enough now. This is not meant to be negative, but everything in his life called for him to take charge of his story.

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Emotional source for personal leadership(1)

“Once upon a time there was a flood in India, where a hill with a bungalow on top remained dry and became a refuge for some wildlife, in addition to the people who were there. At one point, a Bengal king tiger came to swim, and when he reached the height he lay panting like a dog on the ground amidst the people, obsessed with fear. The tiger’s usual aggressiveness was temporarily supplanted by the fear that became supreme in him and formed a new center of character in him. ” Henry Drummond. (Quoted in W. James, 2010)

In the above story by Henry Drummond, the tiger is exhausted by the conditions of his environment and his aggressiveness is inhibited by fear. Fear can be either a limited or an unlimited emotion. Sometimes multiple emotions conflict. So character can be curbed. At least with the tiger. But is that also possible for people? Since people deal with emotions on a daily basis, there is a food source to discover. I see the emotional food source as an old well that is covered with thorns or poisonous plants. Under the ground it is still fed by groundwater, but we no longer use the well. Perhaps because we have found an easier way, for example, by simply opening the tap. Canadian physician and psychologist Gabor Maté (2010) calls this “the quick satisfaction”. In the song “I can’t get no satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones, Mick Jagger sings about the fact that he has no satisfaction whatsoever. Whatever he tries, nothing can give him that satisfaction.

“When you fight something, you grant it power. The power you give it is proportional to the force you use to resist it.” Anthony de Mello

In my work I see how people can struggle with making decisions. When you fight or for flight, you recognize its power. By giving it irrational great power in your head, you also force yourself to use that power to fight against it or to flee from it. Can or cannot stop using an addictive drug? How can Jan succeed and me not? How should I let go of something or someone? When making a decision, an appeal must be made to the “will” to resolve the inner conflict. A phase of indecision can arise because no emotion predominates. However, when an emotion reaches a certain intensity, it is enthroned as the only effective one and all inhibitions are wiped out. There is an emotional motive that plays an extremely important role in the formation or composition of a character. (W. James 2010, 196-197).

The conversations with boys and adult men inspired me to work out ‘the circle of sources’. In this article I want to describe something about the Emotional Power Source. The origin of my vision lies in the fascinating work with people with an addiction. But I have also heard hundreds of stories in which the use was no more serious than that of the average citizen. In most situations, there are similarities in the underlying cause. I have wondered how people are cut off from vital food sources. I see that in people with an addiction, but I also see that in people with an enterprise. Entrepreneurs who let an emotional source overgrow because it takes too much pain and effort to draw from that ‘source’. They have found a faster way to muffle or satisfy their emotion and peace of mind. However, that “Quick satisfaction” is not a sustainable food source. In his book “The realm of the hungry ghosts”, Maté describes how the environment can influence the course of a person’s life. Maté worked for decades with addicted people in Downtown Eastside, a deprived neighborhood in Vancouver, Canada. There he spoke daily with people who, as he describes, “stared hungry out of their eyes”. It is a term that Friedrich Nietzsche (2017) uses in his book “Thus spoke Zarathustra”. Hence the name of his book. Gabor Maté (2010) concluded that if he wants to help someone, he must know himself well and be present to listen to the other person’s story. He came to the conclusion that the cause of indecision is almost always an emotional loss.

“Addiction starts with pain and ends with pain” (Maté 2010). He became convinced that only (h) recognizing, clarifying and learning to deal with life questions can lead to recovery or stability. Fleeing it leads to a downward spiral. On the other hand, he concluded that a society or community should dare to look critically at its own shadow sides. Someone who has an addiction is not from another world but from the same society that we are all part of. It is very important to note that someone is not addicted, but has an addiction. Even when someone says to be happy deep down, Maté also struggles with fear, pain, despair, trauma, or a meaningless life. People are not what makes them unhappy but have something that makes them unhappy. There is an essential difference between being or having something.

In the context of making emotional themes difficult to discuss, Neufeld & Maté (2010) describe the fact that attachment is the core of our existence. People have attachment and orientation needs, but children do not naturally have the skills to bond and orient independently. If they don’t get help with that, they run the risk of becoming disoriented and psychologically lost. Attachment to one or more (adult) persons is a valuable landmark. When educators can no longer be an orientation point, children tend to become more oriented towards peers. However, peers find it difficult to guide each other to adulthood. As a result, natural authority is eroded and educators no longer educate from the heart, but from manuals and expectations of themselves or of society. Remarkably, our brains cannot tolerate orientation gaps. Young people who have replaced adults as a point of orientation by their peers, it is enough to be together. Even if they are completely lost or confused. Attachment to peers only makes them feel that they are not lost or confused but, in fact, they are not protected from getting lost. Maté & Neufeld (2010) believe that it is important to constantly work on “bringing back” our children. That is not a one-off process with an unambiguous completion. The question is “what should we be attached to or detached from?”

Peter Pan’s famous story is an example of the effect of attachment problems (Alexander, 2008). Scottish writer James M. Barrie, creator of Peter Pan, was also traumatized at a young age. His younger brother, and the apple of his mother’s eye, died in a tragic accident. His mother then lived in grief until her death. James was emotionally neglected and grew up without his parents’ upbringing. James fled into his fantasy world and eventually came up with the character of Peter Pan who always wanted to remain a child and was unable to take responsibility. James, who also suffered from various addictions because of the trauma and attachment problems, has never been able to establish a good relationship with others.

The emotional food source can be found in many phases of our life. We must have the courage to prune the weeds of that old ‘well’. Many people are afraid to pick up old wounds and strive for happiness and success. The Belgian psychiatrist Dirk de Wachter has written good books on that theme. I also believe that wounds should be read too quickly in our Western society. For example, people quickly tell you to pick up the thread after a death. Others are too busy to support you or for a good conversation. I can say this because I do not always lead the way myself. Quick satisfaction is also a pitfall for me. Do something quickly that makes me dismiss the previous one, want to forget it, or numb it. I am aware that just like that washed up tiger, we can often say “let me just because I have just had a very important experience.” It is about awareness. What mechanisms do we use that overgrow the skills of personal leadership. If we let those moments sink in, we can use them for life as a source of nutrition. A pop star’s life is fast and hectic. I am not surprised that Mick Jagger is looking for the right source of nutrition that can give him satisfaction.

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Do you have a dream?

“I have a dream”. Who does not know the famous statement by Martin Luther King. On April 4, 2019, it was 51 years since Martin Luther King was murdered in 1968. This violently attacked nonviolence, justice and peace. But his principle of nonviolence won respect, hope and courage around the world. It is one of the most powerful speeches of words and language that can change a brain structure.

Education
Martin Luther King was born in Atlanta on January 15, 1929. He was already confronted with degrading racial discrimination at an early age. After his education at Morenhouse College, he decided to shape his ideals from his Christian faith. King studied theology in Chester and Chicago and then studied psychology in Boston. Martin Luther King, well trained, started his “Negation Revolution”.

Bus strike
In the year 1956, King became internationally known for the famous Bus Strike. A mass demonstration in Montgommery, Alabama, in which hundreds of ‘negroes’ did not travel by public transport in protest. This was a drain on the bus companies. In this way, the ‘negroes’ showed that they did count in society.

Nonviolence
The principle of nonviolence was regularly answered with horrific forms of terror and prison terms. Nonetheless, nonviolence around the world commanded respect and admiration. Martin Luther King’s principle inspired many people. King, in turn, was inspired by Jesus and Ghandi. Jesus and Ghandi exemplified how nonviolence had an effect on injustice and thus commanded great respect. By acting nonviolently, they commanded respect from those who tried to wrong them. For example, we see it in the suffering and death of Jesus. Soldiers, judges and ordinary people realized before and after Jesus’ death that He was innocent. Violence against black people in America was ultimately seen as an injustice against innocent people.

Nobel Prize for Peace
In 1963, Martin Luther King was named “Man of the Year” by Time magazine. King was a pastor of the Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta, where he also lived with his wife and children. He also chaired the Southern Christian Leadership Conference. In 1964, King won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Dream killed?
Martin Luther King was shot dead on April 4, 1968 in Memphis. The question now to be asked: Did Martin Luther King’s dream come true or was it murdered with him? In the book ‘Why We Can’t Wait Longer’, King describes that he was aware that social changes cannot happen overnight. But he had the inspiration to start as if the next day would no longer be an option. Martin Luther King’s dream still lives on. It remains a topical theme to tackle injustice with nonviolence. It is the desire of many people and the desire of King to pass on his dream to the world in which we live.

To connect
Injustice is the opposite of ‘right’. Something is crooked which should actually be straight. Setbacks can be experienced as if wrongs have been done. Unfortunately, in some industries there is a culture where ‘people are about corpses’ and so kill dreams. Organizations, shareholders, directors can focus too much on the result that touches the human. When organizations dare to dream about these kinds of values, a culture can be positively influenced. Speaking your dream and connecting with others through your dream also inspires others to dare to dream. But sometimes something is bent with which you can make a straight stroke. That is why we must always look for the values ​​that people can connect. Martin Luther King’s speech, which is still one of the best speeches, proves that the right values ​​can connect people of different races and cultures.

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Vince Lombardi: Not of granite

My father used to say “there is nothing as changeable as a person”. I did not yet understand what he meant by that. The chaos in my adolescent brain kept distracting me. Now that I am a little older and, at times I think I have found some form of structure, something changes in my environment. Sometimes I go with certain fads. Can I start over again. For example, people who have a family know what I mean. For my work I am also always looking for tools that can help me to get the structure that seems to help others so well. I once read the biography of the famous American football coach Vince Lombardi. He was born on June 11, 1913 in Brooklyn, New York. As the son of an Italian immigrant, Vince grew up in a Catholic family. In 1928, at the age of 15, he went to study for a priest. After two years, he realized he had not been called to swing a censer. He decided to study elsewhere and went to St. Francis College. There he went on to play in the football team as a fullback. After graduation, Vince went to live at Fordham University and also played on the football team there, joining the acclaimed Fordham’s “Seven Blocks of Granite”. This was the strongest attacking team in American football history for years. Lombardi graduated from Fordham in 1937 with magna cum laude. He made the decision to take up an assistant trainer position at St. Cecilia High School in Englewood, New Jersey. During the eight years on St. Cecelia, Vince married Marie Planitz in 1940 and they had two children.

Simplicity and execution
In 1947, Lombardi joined the coaching staff at Fordham University. In 1949, Lombardi had the opportunity to continue his coaching career with the military team at West Point. Vince saw it as a great challenge to become an assistant to Earl Henry Blaik, also known as Red Blaik. He could not resist learning under the guidance of the famous “Red” Blaik. During this period Vince developed his famous “success formula”, simplicity and execution. He developed a well-known reputation as a tireless coach. This feature brought him to the position of assistant coach for the New York Giants in the National Football League (NFL). Over the five years with the Giants, Lombardi helped the team through five winning seasons, culminating in the championship in 1956.

Training, training, making mistakes does not matter
Lombardi then went on to become head coach and signed a five-year deal with the Green Bay Packers in January 1959. He organized intensive grueling training camps and demanded absolute dedication and effort from his players. Lombardi’s tough and disciplined style turned the Packers’ most successful year in 1960, winning five NFL championships, including Super Bowl 1 and 2 victories. Lombardi earned the title of greatest football coach in history. After a two-year hiatus, Lombardi went back in 1969 to lead the Washington Redskins. This immediately led to their first winning season in over a decade! It all seems very positive, but of course the Lombardi teams also lost matches. Mistakes were made during crucial games. But the mistakes were compensated by a special team spirit.

Homerun Vince Lombardi
Unfortunately, a serious form of colon cancer was diagnosed in Lombardi in 1970. Vince Lombardi died a short time later on September 3, 1970 at the age of 57. He made, as it were, his last ‘Homerun’. Vince Lombardi had become a well-loved and national icon. Thousands of people attended the two separate funerals. Shortly after his death, Lombardi was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Every year, his name is honored by presenting the Vince Lombardi trophy to the Super Bowl Champion.

The New management
The methods of coaches who have achieved legendary successes are very cautiously entering the business world. Fortunately, because its approach gives the business community more inspiration and nutrition to grow. Managers could learn more from sports coaches because they naturally have a special way of communicating. The pitfall that managers create for themselves is a wrong way of communicating and a variety of rules to secure their own position. As long as a lot of money is being made, no one will make a fuss. However, the people on which the company depends depend on the first crisis immediately. The new management is far from being applied in every company. There are still millions of companies that work the old way. Managers stop this from their holy houses and should be ashamed of it. Growth comes from learning from others and being open to collaboration and communication.

Lessons on change
Vince Lombardi’s approach is based on simplicity and execution. That simple appeals to me, but then it comes down to the implementation. If only everything were so simple that we didn’t have to do it. Lombardi was not concerned with the result in the first place. No convulsive focus on achieving success. Success was the logical consequence of the changes. Lombardi did not train to win. That sounds strange, but he was not tempted by the two paradoxes ‘profit’ and ‘loss’. He worked on the intrinsic values ​​of the players and the question “why they were football players”. Simon Sinek’s (simple) Golden Circle was not yet known at the time, but it is an eye-opener. Lombardi’s approach was based on a mix of disciplined, servant and devoted leadership. I think change has partly to do with the way of approaching. In the various articles about Lombardi’s life and work I have discovered some essential things that have led to their many championships;

Changing the culture in the team and the organization
Mapping values ​​that make up the culture
Determine behaviors that represent the values
Expressing values ​​and behavior
Repeat all the above points daily
I am not a doctor but the above points are not just like a prescription, it is about mentality and identity. Working with mentality and identity on a daily basis is a difficult ‘job’. Discipline and structure are things for me that I may never have control over. People who recognize themselves in this should not be sad, we have science on our side. You don’t change something in a weekend retreat. But it is also not something that you do by talking ‘pleasantly’ about it. Vince Lombardi had to work hard to transform the culture of a losing football team into a culture of champions. The Packers’ change process proves that people are “not of granite.” People can change. Positive and unfortunately also negative. But for some things, we just shouldn’t expect change. It is not necessary because you know that it is just right. My father was a fan of Ajax. Now I get that.

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